Showing posts with label Ramble. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ramble. Show all posts

Tuesday, 13 June 2017

😔Discovering my real relationship with food and binge eating - Weight Loss Vlog - EJ #26

This week I really learned a lot about myself and my relationship with food - as well as when my tendency to binge eat could strike. I'm late again for my weight loss vlog this week but I managed to do it and my cat, sheep and also the nightingale said hello!

Follow my weight loss food tracking progress on MyFitnesspal: http://www.myfitnesspal.de/profile/ElanorsJourney

I'm a little more careful when following my emotions when I'm choosing foods now as I observed that would eat more than I should whenever I had the feeling, that I had not eaten enough for the rest of the day.

Go out and enjoy the beautiful summertime in nature! Thank you for watching!

Yours, Elanor

Please excuse my English - I do my best, because I feel at the right place in the English speaking community but I'm no native speaker.

My favourite fitness channels at the moment:
DaveDoesWeightloss https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9gMoTx2EFYRnzWwYADEhRA
ObesetoBeast https://www.youtube.com/user/ObesetoBeast
Nerdfitness https://www.youtube.com/user/NerdFitness
LiveLeanTV https://www.youtube.com/user/bradgouthrofitness
ModernHealthMonk https://www.youtube.com/user/ModernHealthMonk
GaugeGirlTraining: https://www.youtube.com/user/gaugegirl82
Fitness Marshall: https://www.youtube.com/user/TheFitnessMarshall

My social media:
YouTube; https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUL0Eq7QLwnGwYlUVW_gBog
Blog: http://elanorthefairsjourney.blogspot.fr/
Instagram; @elanorsjourney
Art channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb9po5XOs5n-wYPm0oVurDQ

Tuesday, 6 June 2017

This is MY CHALLENGE - Leveling Up - Weight Loss Vlog - Elanor's Journey #25

Follow my weight loss food tracking progress on MyFitnesspal: http://www.myfitnesspal.de/profile/ElanorsJourney
I'm late one day but here goes this week's episode of my weight loss vlog - leveling up my life - viewing my obesity as MY CHALLENGE - just mine, my life and a unique possibility to explore my limits.

I tell you a little more about my food tracking, macros and calories. AND I'm so glad to have my new fridge and freezer now - huge level up for mealplanning, mealprepping etc. I hope I'm on the right way to get to healthy bodyweight.

Go out and enjoy the beautiful summertime in nature! Thank you for watching!

Yours, Elanor

Please excuse my English - I do my best, because I feel at the right place in the English speaking community but I'm no native speaker.

My favourite fitness channels at the moment:
DaveDoesWeightloss https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9gMoTx2EFYRnzWwYADEhRA
ObesetoBeast https://www.youtube.com/user/ObesetoBeast
Nerdfitness https://www.youtube.com/user/NerdFitness
LiveLeanTV https://www.youtube.com/user/bradgouthrofitness
ModernHealthMonk https://www.youtube.com/user/ModernHealthMonk
GaugeGirlTraining: https://www.youtube.com/user/gaugegirl82
Fitness Marshall: https://www.youtube.com/user/TheFitnessMarshall

My social media:
YouTube; https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUL0Eq7QLwnGwYlUVW_gBog
Blog: http://elanorthefairsjourney.blogspot.fr/
Instagram; @elanorsjourney
Art channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb9po5XOs5n-wYPm0oVurDQ

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

The IMPORTANCE of your MINDSET

"Your Mindset is your Superpower in your Weight Loss Journey" - this is what I discovered in the last weeks with my 2017 respawn in my fitness journey.

As I plan out my life more and more, I get to a whole new level of control in my life that I never expected. I'm still working on the Nerd Fitness Academy goal and mental health is a huge topic there and everything starts in building the right mindset and daily habits for an "antifragile" lifestyle, as Steve Kamb, the founder of Nerdfitness.com calls it.

For my mental health I'll work at a small meditation challenge for the next 2 weeks.

Thank you so much for watching!
Yours, Elanor

Please excuse my English - I do my best, because I feel at the right place in the English speaking community but I'm no native speaker.

My favourite fitness channels at the moment:
DaveDoesWeightloss https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9gMoTx2EFYRnzWwYADEhRA
ObesetoBeast https://www.youtube.com/user/ObesetoBeast
Nerdfitness https://www.youtube.com/user/NerdFitness
LiveLeanTV https://www.youtube.com/user/bradgouthrofitness
ModernHealthMonk https://www.youtube.com/user/ModernHealthMonk
GaugeGirlTraining: https://www.youtube.com/user/gaugegirl82
Fitness Marshall: https://www.youtube.com/user/TheFitnessMarshall

My social media:
YouTube; https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUL0Eq7QLwnGwYlUVW_gBog
Blog: http://elanorthefairsjourney.blogspot.fr/
Instagram; @elanorsjourney
Art channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb9po5XOs5n-wYPm0oVurDQ

Thursday, 4 May 2017

My Weight Does Not Define Who I am

After having to go to Germany over the past week end I'm back and wanted to give you a little update. I dreaded being told off for not having lost anymore weight but I somehow really felt, that my weight is just one part of me and does not define who I am and if others like me.

They will of course talk with me about fitness and show maybe their concern about me but this can also be because they want to see me happy and healthy. In no way does this affect my relationship to them though and I won't be a better person, just because I'm a different weight. I'm glad for really being able to feel this.

Yours,
Elanor


Saturday, 22 April 2017

Why am I freaking out about my measurements / weigh-in?

OMG - I'm freaking out - why am I shaking just because it's weigh-in day?

I feel shattered although the results are not so bad - within 6 weeks I've gained so much endurance and I have made only little changes to my diet to not starve myself - yes, I've gained 1,5 kgs (no wonder) - I've lost 2 centimeters around my hip and gained some in my tighs - is this good? Seems that's where the new muscle power is coming from.

Phew - I really need to write this down and make my video because I'm really anxious about all of this, seeing my weight go up and my mind is shrieking: "Oh my god, this is so terrible, I don't want this, I want my fat to go away, leave me alone!!!"

I mean, I would be the last person on this planet to complain if I had 20-30kgs to loose, but being so terribly obese while I love sports and being outside so much really really hurts me! I have tears running down my face now.

It seems I don't take this weight loss thing serious enough!

But I just want to find a way without starving myself, with having the same energy as I have at the moment.

Why is this weigh-in/measuring day freaking me out so much? Can anyone relate?

Please send me any support you have to keep me going, trusting, and not jumping off the wagon. I had 6 weeks and it feels like I've screwed them, although I was so confident - how can the stupid numbers not reflect that?

I feel so alone ... next week I will go to Germany and I will be anxious all the time again if anyone remarks me not having lost anything. I'm so tired of it. It's not the only reason this is depressing but it's just that I can't change anything anymore ...

Screw it!

What am I going to do next - what are my conclusions about everything?

*taking a deep breath*

1. I WILL STAY ON TRACK!
I will keep exercising - everyday.
I will continue mealplanning.

2. I WILL START TO SCEDULE
I will scedule workouts, mealplans AND ALSO the weigh-in/measuring - this will help me to be more serious about everything I think and to plan out more smartly.

3. I WILL WORK PRIORITIZING
It seems that I sometimes don't take nutrition for serious and plan everything how I REALLY WANT IT. This is true to other things in my life too.


Was there anything else this week?

My dog, that I had for over 14 years, died, I had visit from relatives I haven't seen in a very long time, I had some arguements with my husband, we still had car problems and no money in the bank this week again. At least the thing with the money has been cleared. The cars are running again but there's still some things to get checked.

Considering all of this I really could be happy that my progress hasn't stalled even more, normally I would have fallen off the wagon far sooner.

AND I RODE MY BIKE TO WORK LAST WEEK! HUGE LEVEL UP!!!!

So, overall I'm still happy - it's just the measuring day that got me freaked out - but thanks to this blog I have somewhere I can reflect on this and not push it down without looking at it.

Thank you for all the support I already have received - you're so great!!!!!

You keep me accountable - 7th video already in 2017!!!!

<3

Next week I will be in Germany for work and I don't know if I'll be able to write or film, but I will post something anyways - maybe make some nice footage there.

Yours,
Elanor


Saturday, 8 April 2017

What if life is a test?

Hello my fellow Rebels,


here goes this weeks
UPDATE:

this week really was full of challenges; our car broke down, my husband got sick and I had to do all the farm work alone, the money didn't arrive the date it was planned and everyone in my family was really busy with their own work. I was left with all my farmwork alone ...

BUT!

... that way I was active everyday and more or less got all my goals in and this really surprised me because I was really struggling.

Even mealplanning finally starts to get easier and we had got 2 meals left over so we were able to go 1 more day without shopping. As I'm writing this, 2,5 kgs of chicken is baking in the oven for tomorrows family meeting. Yes, I'm especially proud of how I'm doing when life tests me.




This week I will leave out the question of the week, as I just want this update to be "out there". ;)

Having a daily workout routine really seems to be working out for me - this is what I feel woud be my answer for last weeks question.

Thank you for checking out this post!

Yours,
Elanor

Saturday, 11 March 2017

Questions About Weight loss #1: Medical Check, Thyroid, Hormones, Low Impact Workouts? EJ #13


Thank you for inspiring me to revive my weight loss YouTube-Channel as it felt so good to talk so openly to the camera and knowing my questions out there now. Thank to the videos of Davedoesweightloss, Obesetobeast, Nerdfitness, LiveLeanTV, ModernHealthMonk and many more (see the links below) for inspiring me and guiding.

With this video I want to start to get answers to questions that are going through my mind. Please feel free to answer and/or give me your opinions to the questions. I will definetely get back to you. To remember, here are my questions shortened in written format:

1. What would you advise me to get tested at the doctors especially thyroid related - which hormones are to betested? What other exams can be helpful?

2. If you yourself went to the doctor to get checked for similar reasons, what were the symptoms which got you to think that something was wrong with your hormones?

3. Eating more to weigh less? What's going on with the TDEE, reverse dieting, and to low calory diets? Any experiences welcome!!!

4. Meanwhile I love working out but it seems that I'm always pushing to hard - is there any helpful advice to know when to stop? Do you know any workouts that have low impact on the legs? Would biking help?

5. Do you want to see guitar covers?

Please, when responding to any of the health related questions, precise, what background you have with those topics. I'm really interested in feedback and suggestions of any sort, but I need to know whether a doctor is writing or someone with own experience. Thank you so much!!!

Keep me accountable in subscribing and checking in with me next week.

And please excuse my English - I do my best, because I feel at the right place in the English speaking community but I'm no native speaker.

My favourite fitness channels at the moment:
DaveDoesWeightloss https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9gMoTx2EFYRnzWwYADEhRA
ObesetoBeast https://www.youtube.com/user/ObesetoBeast
Nerdfitness https://www.youtube.com/user/NerdFitness
LiveLeanTV https://www.youtube.com/user/bradgouthrofitness
ModernHealthMonk https://www.youtube.com/user/ModernHealthMonk

My social media:
YouTube; https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUL0Eq7QLwnGwYlUVW_gBog
Blog: http://elanorthefairsjourney.blogspot.fr/
Instagram; @elanorsjourney
Art channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb9po5XOs5n-wYPm0oVurDQ

Tuesday, 13 September 2016

The Sad Eating Twen

Because of the 10th anniversary of the day my shop opened (I no longer have the shop, but I posted some images here!) I looked through some old images and for the first time in a long period I really "binge-watched" through all of them from 2006 to 2011 and I started to see myself in a completely new light.

There were some small films also and what struck me deeply was: ALL of the time I was eating or sitting - this really gave me the creeps. At first I felt deep disgust and I understand why I didn't like to look at pictures or in the mirror in my late tens and early twens. There was nothing to be proud of - I was sitting there ... eating ... even in the best moments. Today I see that you can tell that I really didn't care about myself at all.

And then I was overwhelmed by the sadness - the sadness I always felt but never was able to recognize. I watched my siblings and friends play sports games: Soccer, Dodgeball but also just normal children's games because we were a big family (I'm the oldest of five) and always had friends around, and where was I? Sitting, declining the invitation to join the game, making photographs and telling myself that I don't fit in there.

And it is/was true: I was never able to play soccer as other kids - not only because I was heavy but also because I'm really bad at ballsports ;-) But it seemed that the feeling of not being able to have fun like the others started to expand and wasn't getting better over time obviously. I couldn't walk on our frozen lake in the winter or at least I didn't dare to - I stood outside and filmed ... I couldn't climb the trees like the others in an adventure park, so I stood outside and filmed ... immersed in my footage but excluded from adventure ... but still not wanting to change or even acknowledging that there was something that could be changed.
Learning photography by sitting and watching

You know, I don't think my only problem is/was my body - there's also a feeling, that I didn't WANT to fit in - I felt protected in my role as an outsider because I despised all the sparring we had as youths; jokes, pranks and games, games, games.

Yes, as I realized later, I'm a nerd - I lived my more contemplative side and there must be some positive things about myself too, because I had a lot of caring and positive people around me that stuck to me in every situation.

But back to the sadness - the first change started, when I realized, that I had brought it to the point, where my biggest dream: having my own horse and riding it, was starting to vanish. I had and have this stupid situation again: everyone around me is so healthy and fit, they can ride the horses but me, that really wishes to, can't. It's the one thing I cared about and when I first came to this realization, I cried a whole night long and many more followed.

My first horse Denicheur and the realization that I've become too heavy ...
But it wasn't supposed to be my way - my path was to first see the horse and accept it wasn't all about riding on it - and with my first horse, I started the first changes and it's amazing where I came too after 8 years now - I'm still heavy and maybe, riding won't be my foremost occupation, but I feel so much better!

Then I also discovered NerdFitness and overall with my decision of getting healthy, my life changed dramatically - I'm no longer refusing to participate (ok, ball games might still be my least loved) but  I started to get over my shyness and fear - my horses are a great help.

Today, after looking at those memories I'm telling myself no longer wanting to be arrogant so much and to find out what I want to do instead of sadly watching others having all the fun.

Thank you for reading - I really appreciate - it's not easy to write so openly, but I know I feel so much better afterwards.

Yours, Elanor
Summer 2016 - small steps with a stronger horse ... I still may be too heavy, but my perspective changed - better make small steps, then no steps at all!

Sunday, 21 August 2016

From Workaholic to Work-Life-Balance

Source: Pixabay.com
I think this is some common topic in today's generation: feeling the urge to optimize your habits and at the same time staying healthy not only physically but also mentally.

After having a heavy emotional feeling throughout the last weeks, not getting out the negativity, I realized today, that I really need to take time also for my comfort zone. Everybody is talking about getting out of it, but you know, it's there where we take our energy from.

Of course, building up our discipline is really worth it, but if we start to forget where we came from, what relaxation is and notice, that our mind is constantly wrapped around the thing to do next, negativity easily creeps in.

So, I will look out for the things I really enjoy - that are not only there to make myself get rest because I feel so exhausted, like watching TV or playing League of Legends.

I love to sing, I really do - I love to be with my horses - I love to draw - I like to talk about philosophy - I like to read dramatic books ...

I guess there's a lot more and it's my new quest, to find out, what really makes my heart jump about in joy.

Here's a video of the designer Roberto Blake that I watch regularly and where he's talking about the same thing I mentioned:

Friday, 6 May 2016

Conclusions of challenge #9

It took me some time to sit down and write this post - challenge #9 with the mealplan has really been instructive and I somehow know more about where I want to go now.

But it seems to need some preparation. As I wrote before - I feel like standing at a crossroad - knowing I will go, but not feeling a pressure to be in a hurry, but planning wisely the next move.

Putting myself through random challenges over and over again has made me stronger, but to make this real change, I will need a strategy to stick to for a longer period of time. There must be the one moment I can cure my food addiction and I figured out, there will be a period of rehab time.

So, to conclude this challenge, I went off track for the last week of this challenge because as I was forced to have some slips, it was getting more and more difficult to get back on track and I felt that this wasn't going to do me good.

I only shop for lean protein, potatoes, rice and muesli still but as my father and sisters are preparing for their pastry chef exams, there's temptation everywhere and they need a gusto from time to time. I cannot willpower through this (and do I even want?) without being well prepared.

It seems that I will have to refine several things yet and pay attention to those little things: tking into account that I will no longer be able to stuff my face with food when I'm feeling weak, depressed or stressed - that my body will feel to want to get more food in and I will not be as "strong" as I'm now, that my husband will have to know exactly what I'm doing etc.
Source: Pinterest.com

For travel, I will have to be prepared too: I will have to know exactly what I need, so I can say to my friends what I eat and what I don't whithout offending them. And I will have to be clear with all of this and don't let myself get distracted by the opinions of others and new fancy internet diets.

Do you think it's okay if I wait for all of this for four weeks until the pastry exams have passed? 

Well, I do think it's okay. 

But I will do another challenge anyway - a last one, that isn't 100% focused on my fitness goals, but more on preparing next challenge and building up mindfulness while eating and a clear daily structure that will help me afterwards.

Of course, I'm not looking into the weeks for binging but I will continue buying healthy foods and eat them! I just won't be very restrictive.

So, that's my word for today - last challenge really was great and hey! I finally got that hometrainer - it's a very old one stil relying on mechanics for measuring distance - some friend of mine surprised me with it - his grandpa wanted to throw it away - that's how the rewards come in. I'll post a picture soon!

Yours,
Elanor

Monday, 25 April 2016

Do I need to jump to the next level?

So, this is me writing a thoughtful post today. First of all: I didn't lose any weight during last week, tough my body feels about 10 kgs lighter! I wasn't my best week concerning food - I felt terrible about it - sometimes I had so much work I forgot to eat, finding myself really starving, around other people stuffing themselves with chocolates and some special food, so I'm proud to say that I managed to stay "clean of candy" during the week, but sometimes I had to eat something that definetely wasn't on my plan because I had no other options and I already had waited for a better occasion for some hours.

I'm really glad about all the help I get in the Nerd-Fitness-Community and for every instruction, advice, experience or just good feelings shared. I don't know where I would be without you.

It's also great to be able to experience with the actual meal plan, how food addiction works and how my body is able to heal itself as long as I stick to it. But I'm also really surprised of how much a mental and psychological "battle" this is.

I won't go through all the detailed thoughts I went through during last week, but something seems to be sticking aroung. I have the feeling, that my struggle with food and health starts to reveal more and more other issues in my life - how my lifestyle affects me and who I am as a body and what I can do and what I can't.

Today I'm at a point where it feels that I need to make some overall level UP - within a year I managed to stop snacking and many more things I never thought possible. I hacked myself to a point, where I optimized my daily routine so I can get everything done. But now it seems, that if I really want to do this, I will have to commit to ... hm, how to say ... myself basically and to say "yes" to who I am and to my body and leave some things surrounding me at the same time.

As I have to leave the house now, it seems that it's not for today to write more in detail about it, but I wanted to let you know about all of this. It's an exciting adventure - thank you for being there with me!

Yours,
Elanor

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

Best Breakfast for Weight loss? Comparing 7 options I tried

In this article I want to share with you my experiences through the last 3 years with different styles of breakfast. I'm no nutritionist or trainer and those are just my personal experiences and I'm still experimenting new things every challenge to come.

Here's what I've
tried so far:


7. Eat whatever I want

Pros: I don't have the feeling to have to stress about too much - I buy what makes me feel good and I either eat or I don't.
Cons: I THINK that I'm not stressing about food - but in reality I either stuff myself with everything that's in the fridge or I don't have breakfast at all. So no eating habits are created and hunger comes when I least expect it and I'm never prepared enough.

Conclusion: Sometimes it's good to be open and to listen to your body and be flexible. But for my daily routine should be clear whether or not I want to have breakfast and how much of my daily calories this makes up. Screwing first thing in the morning makes the whole day stressful!


6. German breakfast: Bread with cheese, sausage, honey, jam ...

Pros: For a full workday you can fill yourself to be able to stand without break until 14 o'clock. It gives full power. The usual dark German bread (depending on which you take) is very good for the digestion and if you're ready to switch even for pumpernickels it's close to muesli. Top it with fresh cheese, veggies and ham or turkey: a healthy option.
Cons: First there's the macros: it's poor in vegetables and there's also only little protein but loads of fat and carbs - and if you top it with honey or jam there's the fast sugars too. Then it ends up for me to eat more than I wanted and on days where I go out with only one slice of bread, I'm starving around noon.

Conclusion: The "pumpernickel"-version is not for everyone. I like it but I can overeat on that too. Nowadays, when I'm at my friends house in Germany I start missing my protein and veggies in the mornings. Bread is my cryptonite and I tend to extremely overeat!!! And then I feel tired and bloated 2 hours later ... so, at home I no longer have it. My husband does though.



5. Porrige / Oatmeal

Pros: Protein and energy for your workouts! A decent breakfast with a lot of variations. Can be a replacement for muesli on cold days.
Cons: Loads of carbs and I haven't found a way to incorporate any vegetables - so mostly fruit - I lacked the protein and vegetables!

Conclusion: To sweet for my taste and the energy didn't last long. Plus the cooking where I usually managed to burn it because I don't have a microwave ...


4. Fasting until noon

Pros: Weight loss is about calories - so if you manage to stay the longest possible without eating, you can eat more later. Plus, some studies point to the theory, that longer periods of not eating can help to balance insulin levels better and you can get up and start working without worring about food until noon.
Cons: Intermittend fasting works for some, others - especially woman - seem to have more difficulty with it. Building up hunger throughout the morning can lead to binging on food the rest of the day too!

Conclusion: I did this for a long time and feel good about it - but since I work every morning I need my coffee and something to balance my guts.


3. Paleo breakfast: Bacon and Eggs plus vegetables - high protein and high fat

Pros: A real meal to start the day. You'll be satiated for a long time and really feel powerful.
Cons: Cooking in the morning isn't really my thing and it's very calorie dense - so you have to reduce thoughout the day.

Conclusion: Don't believe weight loss involves really tasty food? Try this one!!! I made bacon and eggs for a long tima in the morning and lost 15 kgs!!!


2. Only coffee with milk / Bulletproof coffee

Pros: Very simple and clear breakfast. If you take whole fat milk (or butter/coconut oil in case of the bulletproof coffee) you'll have the feeling to have started oyur metabolism. Make a big pot.
Cons: You'll become dependend of coffee and it's not really to be considered to be a meal. So, you have the same hungry feeling as with the fasting.

Conclusion: my favorite although it's not really balanced. I don't do bulletproof coffee because I hate the taste, but I take a big bowl with half coffee half whole fat, preferedly organic, milk.


1. Home made Muesli

Ok, so Muesli comes in 2 forms: the pre-packaged one that you can buy in the stores and the homemade one. I usually do it myself because I hate all the artificial sugars, honey or raisins in the packages - not because of the calories but because of the taste. So what I'll do is to buy oats and fresh fruits - a little more work, but the taste is not to be compared.
Pros: Great to be varied. You have total control over the ingredients: macros and calories. Yoghurt or quark provides a lot of protein.
Cons: A little too sugary for me with a bit too many carbs. Takes nearly as long to prepare as bacon with eggs.

Conclusion: Home made muesli is what I'm doing at the moment - as I said, it's not my favorite taste but it just feels good and you have the most control!


Ok, so Muesli has made the top of my list here too - sounds like clichée but it's my conclusion for the moment and you see, that I tried some thing already ;-)

This is my post for today - hope you enjoyed it and if you want, feel free to share and subscribe! Posts are coming twice a week and there usually is a Vlog on weekends too!

Yours,
Elanor

Saturday, 12 March 2016

Dealing with Depression

I hate those kind of titles on the internet - everyone seems to be affected by depression nowadays - and now I find myself writing the exact thing because I really have to explain why there hasn't been any update on Wednesday.

I never thought about depression until it struck me last year around the day it was one year my mother had died and that I had some issues in my work. I knew some people that had had depression themselves but I also had met people that liked that depression made them feel special or that were just not suitable for society so they had to be "kept alive" with drugs and even others, that wanted to make others feel guilty.

When is the point that you diagnose a depression? It seems, that other than at the moment you receive it by a doctor, mostly people have to make this diagnose themselves because they no longer understand what's going on - or a friend/family member telling you.

It reminds me of starting to loose weight: because you can't really talk about it, it's all about that one moment when you decide for yourself to start changing - even if you don't know how to start.

Some time ago I wrote an article on this blog about myself starting to face my stuff more than stuff my face and I started to speak my mind and let go of being perfect to get everything out - especially if it's just small, unimportant things, I tend to swallow them but sometimes later the inner chocolate monster arises and wants me to compensate this social stress. And if I can't talk about it with the person implied I will talk about it with a friend or write a blogpost about it.


To be fair, I announced this to my family members so they don't get shocked and for myself this is really good and I feel much lighter.

2 days later my sister walked up to me and said she wanted to do that too. She was struggling a long time already to find words and she spent some of her teen years more recluded than her personality usually was. In the last year we barely were able to speak with her because she felt blocked.

But what I had said seemed to touch her and within 3 days she let go and talked about all her fears and pressure she's making herself and her depressed feelings. It was a big opening and sometimes not easy to digest if you see someone so close to you talking about a lot of depressing things.

So, all my energy was focused around that - she had the real depression, one that you're unable to express, just a mindset that pulls you into a more and more dark environment. But it helped so much, that I had read about people having depression and that so many are open to talk about it - so please keep spamming the internet about depression!!!! I now fully understand!

I'm also glad that I can understand my sister today after my breakdown last year, because how to imagine the inability to speak? I mean, it's just opening your mouth to someone you trust! So, you have to have experienced it to understand it!



So, today I recorded my next song and I think I will upload the video tomorrow, I did my workout and yesterday we went shopping for a healthy weekend diet wise. I also finally was able to start working on the next book project with my boss which is quite exciting and FINALLY the weather starts to shift and the sun is showing up!

Let the sun shine in!!!

and to celebrate all of this, here comes my favorite song from the movie "Hair" (somewhat depression also, but very very powerful!!!!):


Monday, 22 February 2016

Social Stress

Okay, it's Monday instead of Sunday and the new video isn't edited yet too (I hope you'll like it!) - I returned late yesterday because I spent some nice time watching the movie "we bought a zoo". But it's not the only reason I didn't write.

How can I avoid stress with other people? How can I learn to let go if it seems that someone just doesn't get what I want to say and I carry my emotions about that around for several days? What if I truly feel that I'm not recognized for what I am and that someone just wants to "be the good guy" and perfect in every way but isn't ready to just do what is to be done?

I really appreaciate people helping me in my daily chores but I don't like to be the "poor amd weak" person in need. If I feel that someone treats me this way I start getting irritated - I'd rather do everything on my own and be proud of what I've done afterwards then spending time with someone that belittles me.

But what gets me to LOATHE someone is, if he/she refuses to listen or to open his/her ears that reality maybe isn't the way they think and to be open to communicate. Ok then, stay in your cloud that turn just around yourself but don't freak out when I don't want to be in your company until you're back to normal.


OMG, that is some kind of rant but I'm trying today to get this thoughts out of my head in this blogpost so I will no longer have to carry them around -

Such social struggles really stress me out and I watch myself reaching over to the pizza and bread and just pushing them in my mouth to distract me. It's the feeling of being helpless because I love the person but there is no way to reach him/her and it ends in an argument in wich I usually win but where the other has to yield.

But winning is not what I want - I just want a tiny little bit of understanding.

I want to be with people that are strong, that don't belittle me but that take up challenges together with me. People that love life and are not overly perfect but instead love imperfections.

So, now, this rant is out and maybe some of you can relate. Today I realize that these moments are, what lead me to emotional eating and I learn to cope with it. I'm more and more relaxed and try to build my eating habits in a way that such a mini-binge won't destroy all my hard work.

Thank you for reading - can anyone out there realte to me?

Yours,
Elanor

Thursday, 11 February 2016

Goodies and baddies

I'm one day late again and on Sunday I just left you my Vlog but it summarized very well everything I wanted to say. I'm still doing one more rest week and because I don't know what kind of article I should write today (not that I'm lacking ideas but I decided not to stress to much today), I just wanted to update what went good and bad the last days.

Goodies

I'm getting more and more peaceful inside and I start to accept more and more who I am and be ok with it. I'm not where I set my goals and it's good to pursue them, but I've achieved so much that if I don't give credit to that, I will end up only pressuring myself wich leads me to eating because of stress.


Baddies

My diet is really going crazy in the meantime. Many things still stick and my eating habits are much more regular than they were before but I'm eating too much, too often and the wrong things - *sigh.


I hope you see me on the NF-boards on Sunday - yours,
Elanor

Sunday, 24 January 2016

I'm digesting my change of mindset

Hello my dear readers!
A very ... special ... week has just ended and I don't know yet, where my mind is at the moment. Most of it is fitness/weight loss related - but there are a few other personal things that changed too.

The scale wasn't very kind to me today - seems that I've gained weight again - aliments with wheat really seem to make me bloated even though I stay within my calorie goal ... gluten sensitive? I don't know - there are so many sceptic people about it - but I'll stick to my opinion, that the paleo diet is the best for me so I won't worry too much about.

So, this was my first "discovery" of the week: it ALSO matters WHAT I eat, not only, how many calories it has - sigh. Second: I'm still thinking about how to integrate more exercise into my day but on the other hand I feel exhausted also. I hope I will build more and more endurance - I do quite a workout everyday in the stables but I really would love to do more!!!!!!!!!

Then my sister's finally got her driving license! She's so proud because driving was one of her greatest hobbies and now she's finally allowed to do it with any normal vehicle on normal roads. It really will be a big help for all of us.

On the other hand it reminded me of the time when I made my license - how much difficulty I had to put everything into practical. I really feel comfortable learning theoretical stuff but never really found my place in anything physical - often because I was so heavy. It's not that I need to be better than others but I would really love to enjoy moving again - not feeling to have to push myself but that everything flows ... just because of the fun of it ...

... omg, I'm nearly crying now - I didn't expect this - but it is true: I struggle to move this heavy body everyday and the best it gets is still so much less than any "normal" person - it's so much easier for them ...

...

Let's look at it in a more lighthearted way:

So, while I'm gulping down my water I still need to drink for today I have to say, that I'm happy overall - I just need to digest everything. So much is coming to the surface of my mind at the moment that I'm sometimes just sitting around and thinking.

But I know this will pass and that my comittment to this blog, my fitness and diet will help me.

I've prepared a better shopping list so I will make sure to have enough protein and veggies around for next week and I want to incorporate some squats, planks, push ups and inverted rows into my daily work, as well as added some clear goals to my habitica.

Please excuse me for this random ramble today and I hope you check in again!

Yours,
Elanor