Because of the 10th anniversary of the day my shop opened (I no longer have the shop, but
I posted some images here!) I looked through some old images and for the first time in a long period I really "binge-watched" through all of them from 2006 to 2011 and I started to see myself in a completely new light.
There were some small films also and what struck me deeply was: ALL of the time I was eating or sitting - this really gave me the creeps. At first I felt deep disgust and I understand why I didn't like to look at pictures or in the mirror in my late tens and early twens. There was nothing to be proud of - I was sitting there ... eating ... even in the best moments. Today I see that you can tell that I really didn't care about myself at all.
And then I was overwhelmed by the sadness - the sadness I always felt but never was able to recognize. I watched my siblings and friends play sports games: Soccer, Dodgeball but also just normal children's games because we were a big family (I'm the oldest of five) and always had friends around, and where was I? Sitting, declining the invitation to join the game, making photographs and telling myself that I don't fit in there.
And it is/was true: I was never able to play soccer as other kids - not only because I was heavy but also because I'm really bad at ballsports ;-) But it seemed that the feeling of not being able to have fun like the others started to expand and wasn't getting better over time obviously. I couldn't walk on our frozen lake in the winter or at least I didn't dare to - I stood outside and filmed ... I couldn't climb the trees like the others in an adventure park, so I stood outside and filmed ... immersed in my footage but excluded from adventure ... but still not wanting to change or even acknowledging that there was something that could be changed.
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| Learning photography by sitting and watching |
You know, I don't think my only problem is/was my body - there's also a feeling, that I didn't WANT to fit in - I felt protected in my role as an outsider because I despised all the sparring we had as youths; jokes, pranks and games, games, games.
Yes, as I realized later, I'm a nerd - I lived my more contemplative side and there must be some positive things about myself too, because I had a lot of caring and positive people around me that stuck to me in every situation.
But back to the sadness - the first change started, when I realized, that I had brought it to the point, where my biggest dream: having my own horse and riding it, was starting to vanish. I had and have this stupid situation again: everyone around me is so healthy and fit, they can ride the horses but me, that really wishes to, can't. It's the one thing I cared about and when I first came to this realization, I cried a whole night long and many more followed.
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| My first horse Denicheur and the realization that I've become too heavy ... |
But it wasn't supposed to be my way - my path was to first see the horse and accept it wasn't all about riding on it - and with my first horse, I started the first changes and it's amazing where I came too after 8 years now - I'm still heavy and maybe, riding won't be my foremost occupation, but I feel so much better!
Then I also discovered NerdFitness and overall with my decision of getting healthy, my life changed dramatically - I'm no longer refusing to participate (ok, ball games might still be my least loved) but I started to get over my shyness and fear - my horses are a great help.
Today, after looking at those memories I'm telling myself no longer wanting to be arrogant so much and to find out what I want to do instead of sadly watching others having all the fun.
Thank you for reading - I really appreciate - it's not easy to write so openly, but I know I feel so much better afterwards.
Yours, Elanor
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| Summer 2016 - small steps with a stronger horse ... I still may be too heavy, but my perspective changed - better make small steps, then no steps at all! |
