The Sad Eating Twen

Because of the 10th anniversary of the day my shop opened (I no longer have the shop, but I posted some images here!) I looked through some old images and for the first time in a long period I really "binge-watched" through all of them from 2006 to 2011 and I started to see myself in a completely new light.

There were some small films also and what struck me deeply was: ALL of the time I was eating or sitting - this really gave me the creeps. At first I felt deep disgust and I understand why I didn't like to look at pictures or in the mirror in my late tens and early twens. There was nothing to be proud of - I was sitting there ... eating ... even in the best moments. Today I see that you can tell that I really didn't care about myself at all.

And then I was overwhelmed by the sadness - the sadness I always felt but never was able to recognize. I watched my siblings and friends play sports games: Soccer, Dodgeball but also just normal children's games because we were a big family (I'm the oldest of five) and always had friends around, and where was I? Sitting, declining the invitation to join the game, making photographs and telling myself that I don't fit in there.

And it is/was true: I was never able to play soccer as other kids - not only because I was heavy but also because I'm really bad at ballsports ;-) But it seemed that the feeling of not being able to have fun like the others started to expand and wasn't getting better over time obviously. I couldn't walk on our frozen lake in the winter or at least I didn't dare to - I stood outside and filmed ... I couldn't climb the trees like the others in an adventure park, so I stood outside and filmed ... immersed in my footage but excluded from adventure ... but still not wanting to change or even acknowledging that there was something that could be changed.

Learning photography by sitting and watching

You know, I don't think my only problem is/was my body - there's also a feeling, that I didn't WANT to fit in - I felt protected in my role as an outsider because I despised all the sparring we had as youths; jokes, pranks and games, games, games.

Yes, as I realized later, I'm a nerd - I lived my more contemplative side and there must be some positive things about myself too, because I had a lot of caring and positive people around me that stuck to me in every situation.

But back to the sadness - the first change started, when I realized, that I had brought it to the point, where my biggest dream: having my own horse and riding it, was starting to vanish. I had and have this stupid situation again: everyone around me is so healthy and fit, they can ride the horses but me, that really wishes to, can't. It's the one thing I cared about and when I first came to this realization, I cried a whole night long and many more followed.

My first horse Denicheur and the realization that I've become too heavy ...

But it wasn't supposed to be my way - my path was to first see the horse and accept it wasn't all about riding on it - and with my first horse, I started the first changes and it's amazing where I came too after 8 years now - I'm still heavy and maybe, riding won't be my foremost occupation, but I feel so much better!

Then I also discovered NerdFitness and overall with my decision of getting healthy, my life changed dramatically - I'm no longer refusing to participate (ok, ball games might still be my least loved) but  I started to get over my shyness and fear - my horses are a great help.

Today, after looking at those memories I'm telling myself no longer wanting to be arrogant so much and to find out what I want to do instead of sadly watching others having all the fun.

Thank you for reading - I really appreciate - it's not easy to write so openly, but I know I feel so much better afterwards.

Yours, Elanor

Summer 2016 - small steps with a stronger horse ... I still may be too heavy, but my perspective changed - better make small steps, then no steps at all!

Learning to move again - Connecting to childhood

As a teenager I rode around with my bike throughout the countries we visited: in France I explored the hill around our house, in Germany we went on tours with my grandparents, in Italy I rode through the dry sun to cool myself, in Greece I played to be a horse rider and scout and I searched the environment for horses and in India I commited to the flow of traffic - rode for miles and miles and felt independent.

This week I got on my bike I had bought 2 years ago for fitness. I rode it a few times, but without really having fun. I'm 28 years old today and I have changed - physically mostly. I started disliking my bike last year, because I was used to drive city-bikes and this one is a mountain bike.

Riding through green fields on thursday

When I get up, I ride it as in the time when I was 13 years old - where the bike was my symbol of independence. But somehow it's different: my body behaves inexpectedly - I'm afraid of high speed, and I totally feel like a beginner.

This frustrated me. I wanted to do a 20 min ride to work up to an hour of biking through 1-2 weeks. After 3 mins my injured leg started to hurt - I put more power on the other, stretched it to get at least 5 mins. Then I got down, walked, stretched my muscles, got up for a few 100 meters again - thus making it a trip of 15 mins overall. As I was smart, I picked a tour that would be easier on the way home.

The feeling to ride was great - it really is my favorite way of exercising. But it feels frustrating to be at such a low level. I mean, those are not even baby steps - it's like having to learn everything all over again - as when I learned to bike as a little child: managing to drive my bike downhill into a bush so I wouldn't have to rely only on my skills to use the breaks. LOL

My hips and tighs have been hurting for two days because of those 15 minutes!!!!!! I mean, come on! At first I was worried if I had injurey myself - but no, yesterday, all pain was gone. It really only was soreness. Sigh. I still did two more rides, deciding I would go as long as it doesn't hurt and then immediatly go back.

Drawing I made for my NerdFitness character

What can I say? It resulted in a trip around my village and nothing more - less than 1km. I did it again today and made the trip some 500 meters more. But I started training my manoevering skills, driving closely around obstacles and over bumbs and unsteady ground - so it would be fun anyways.

It's hard to accept all of this, but you know why I keep doing it? Because the feeling in my body is so great afterwards!!! And the more I ride, the more I reconnect to the feeling of my childhood which I already believed forgotten! This makes my heart so joyful and I let go and listen to my body.

Yes, maybe I have to relearn how to move in this much heavier body first, before expecting more, but I love my body anyways - and in my heart, the independent warrior girl that traveled to find the horses is still the same! Maybe, she'll find the way to level up and fulfill her dream to ride horses again - in the past, she always found the way there in riding her bike first ...

... a little tear is rolling off my cheek as I write this ...

Thank you for reading!

You can be FAT and be FIT

It's wednesday and I wanted to talk about how my challenge ended but instead I want to talk about another subject. You can read my challenge's conclusion on the NF-boards.

Over the weekend I was at a horse workshop I really enjoyed - those who follow this blog regularly know my passion are horses but to be overweight and wanting to ride always causes some morality struggle: how much can you make your horse carry around. So, I started to feel guilty and not as good in shape as the others so I was no longer allowing myself to ride.

But I noticed, that through my intense diet and exercise practises, even though I'm not perfect at anything, I feel I've become really a fit person. I see so many people having the ideal body proportions but I reached a point this weekend, where I nearly had one of the best capacities when it came to strenght and endurance - compared to the other woman around my age.

Have you seen the beautiful videos of MODE on YouTube that went viral some time ago of that wonderful round lady performing amazing yoga postures? Or the "big guy" excelling at parcour? I will leave you the videos here to encourage everyone to no longer accept the opinion that you have to be at a certain bodyweight to perform something. 

As a kid I loved Jake from "The Blues Brothers" dancing like a God. Didn't you?

So, I think on one hand this post is an encouragement, that you can be heavy and still follow your dreams - on the other hand it shows also, that exercise alone won't make the fat disappear. I just signed up for a new blog called "Dances with fat" of a beautiful dancer who is really passionate and writes inspiring and pleasant articles about no longer shaming yourself for being more round than others.

For my horse I will start a new diet challenge on Sunday (Mealplan is already prepared) and I will stick to it to make the pounds disappear if possible - but I will also stay true to my passion. Being FAT only concerns your measurements and eventually the number a scalel says - but it says nothing about how strong, endurant or agile you are!

Keep that in mind - I hope I was able to motivate you again on your journey!

Yours,

Elanor

The progress I didn't notice for several years

There's been much I wanted to write about today but there's something I want to reflect on more specifically - this is why I'm writing this blog: to get my thoughts out of my head - like the pensieve in the Harry Potter series.

Pensieve

Yesterday I met my father and my full sister again. I hadn't met her in about 6 months or so. I was a little anxious about the meeting, but it went good and wont be the main focus of today's article.

I really felt for so many years I was the least fit person in my family. Yes, I had my horses but I thought "fit" meant to be thin - wich isn't true it seems. Some time ago I wrote an entry here where I said I thought that moving everyday for approximately 2,5 hours wasn't very much to me.

But meeting my other family made me realize how I had changed. Aside from the people doing physical work, most designers or other office employees rarely spend even half the time each day with physical activity! My father gets up to take a walk from time to time and I considered him to be fit. In my environment I know only one person overall that does any kind of regular training.

It seems I've confused being fit to being thin. My weight may be one issue but over the years I've become one of the fittest persons in my family: endurant, strong and flexible. I can work 3-4 hours with no problem - I can lift nearly as good as my husband - I can walk 10 km over hills - I can do any physical work - I might not be as efficient with tools however ;-)

This stuns me because it's not always been this way - it's been some kind of struggle. It started already about 5-6 years ago, when I quit my little boutique in the neighboring town to live more in nature and get to move more instead sitting in the shop all day.

Since then I evolved slowly but never dared to dream that one day I would feel more comfortable in moving than my father would, doing all farm work on my own AND carrying around my bodyweight. Yeah, I already surprised myself of thinking about going for a hike in the alps with my grandfather - something I always dreaded because I would be the one panting and sweating the most.

I think this would be a kind of holiday I'd like to do with my husband in the next months or so.

THIS FEELING IS AMAZING!!!!

I want to stop today and honor this moment - there's still such a long road to go, but I realized, it's not been the fact of myself doing training - it's been the decision I made in 2010-2011 that was the change - everything else followed naturally - at it's own pace.

So, maybe I'll be able to write to you soon about my trips to the alps - I feel really touched and I want to say thank you to myself, the universe and everything!

- Thanks for reading
Elanor

Before weight loss: I always felt guitly about eating - Elanor's Jouney #2