😔Discovering my real relationship with food and binge eating - Weight Loss Vlog - EJ #26

This week I really learned a lot about myself and my relationship with food - as well as when my tendency to binge eat could strike. I'm late again for my weight loss vlog this week but I managed to do it and my cat, sheep and also the nightingale said hello!

Follow my weight loss food tracking progress on MyFitnesspal: http://www.myfitnesspal.de/profile/ElanorsJourney

I'm a little more careful when following my emotions when I'm choosing foods now as I observed that would eat more than I should whenever I had the feeling, that I had not eaten enough for the rest of the day.

Go out and enjoy the beautiful summertime in nature! Thank you for watching!

Yours, Elanor

Please excuse my English - I do my best, because I feel at the right place in the English speaking community but I'm no native speaker.

My favourite fitness channels at the moment:
DaveDoesWeightloss https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9gMoTx2EFYRnzWwYADEhRA
ObesetoBeast https://www.youtube.com/user/ObesetoBeast
Nerdfitness https://www.youtube.com/user/NerdFitness
LiveLeanTV https://www.youtube.com/user/bradgouthrofitness
ModernHealthMonk https://www.youtube.com/user/ModernHealthMonk
GaugeGirlTraining: https://www.youtube.com/user/gaugegirl82
Fitness Marshall: https://www.youtube.com/user/TheFitnessMarshall

My social media:
YouTube; https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUL0Eq7QLwnGwYlUVW_gBog
Blog: http://elanorthefairsjourney.blogspot.fr/
Instagram; @elanorsjourney
Art channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb9po5XOs5n-wYPm0oVurDQ

The Sad Eating Twen

Because of the 10th anniversary of the day my shop opened (I no longer have the shop, but I posted some images here!) I looked through some old images and for the first time in a long period I really "binge-watched" through all of them from 2006 to 2011 and I started to see myself in a completely new light.

There were some small films also and what struck me deeply was: ALL of the time I was eating or sitting - this really gave me the creeps. At first I felt deep disgust and I understand why I didn't like to look at pictures or in the mirror in my late tens and early twens. There was nothing to be proud of - I was sitting there ... eating ... even in the best moments. Today I see that you can tell that I really didn't care about myself at all.

And then I was overwhelmed by the sadness - the sadness I always felt but never was able to recognize. I watched my siblings and friends play sports games: Soccer, Dodgeball but also just normal children's games because we were a big family (I'm the oldest of five) and always had friends around, and where was I? Sitting, declining the invitation to join the game, making photographs and telling myself that I don't fit in there.

And it is/was true: I was never able to play soccer as other kids - not only because I was heavy but also because I'm really bad at ballsports ;-) But it seemed that the feeling of not being able to have fun like the others started to expand and wasn't getting better over time obviously. I couldn't walk on our frozen lake in the winter or at least I didn't dare to - I stood outside and filmed ... I couldn't climb the trees like the others in an adventure park, so I stood outside and filmed ... immersed in my footage but excluded from adventure ... but still not wanting to change or even acknowledging that there was something that could be changed.

Learning photography by sitting and watching

You know, I don't think my only problem is/was my body - there's also a feeling, that I didn't WANT to fit in - I felt protected in my role as an outsider because I despised all the sparring we had as youths; jokes, pranks and games, games, games.

Yes, as I realized later, I'm a nerd - I lived my more contemplative side and there must be some positive things about myself too, because I had a lot of caring and positive people around me that stuck to me in every situation.

But back to the sadness - the first change started, when I realized, that I had brought it to the point, where my biggest dream: having my own horse and riding it, was starting to vanish. I had and have this stupid situation again: everyone around me is so healthy and fit, they can ride the horses but me, that really wishes to, can't. It's the one thing I cared about and when I first came to this realization, I cried a whole night long and many more followed.

My first horse Denicheur and the realization that I've become too heavy ...

But it wasn't supposed to be my way - my path was to first see the horse and accept it wasn't all about riding on it - and with my first horse, I started the first changes and it's amazing where I came too after 8 years now - I'm still heavy and maybe, riding won't be my foremost occupation, but I feel so much better!

Then I also discovered NerdFitness and overall with my decision of getting healthy, my life changed dramatically - I'm no longer refusing to participate (ok, ball games might still be my least loved) but  I started to get over my shyness and fear - my horses are a great help.

Today, after looking at those memories I'm telling myself no longer wanting to be arrogant so much and to find out what I want to do instead of sadly watching others having all the fun.

Thank you for reading - I really appreciate - it's not easy to write so openly, but I know I feel so much better afterwards.

Yours, Elanor

Summer 2016 - small steps with a stronger horse ... I still may be too heavy, but my perspective changed - better make small steps, then no steps at all!

Summer Update of my weight loss journey and 3 lifehacks - Elanor's Journ...

Summer Update of my weight loss journey and 3 exclusive tips to make weight loss more enjoyable - Elanor's Journey #12

After some months, I'm updating my weight loss progress after many ups and downs and yoyoing I finally start to find my balance and motivation again.

In this video I include an overview of my eating habits at the moment for a balanced breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks, as well as for my exercise goals. And I will tell you some simple life hacks to make your weight loss meals more enjoyable and delicious while filling you up and being rich in protein and low in carbs.

Check out my article about my top 7 breakfast options for weight loss on my blog: http://elanorthefairsjourney.blogspot...

Go and see me drawing in my new channel:
https://youtu.be/SupqqCjnQRs

Buy self-designed merch:
http://www.jaanasartwork.spreadshirt.fr

Twitter: @ElanortheFair
Instagram: elanorsjourney

Conclusions of challenge #9

It took me some time to sit down and write this post - challenge #9 with the mealplan has really been instructive and I somehow know more about where I want to go now.

But it seems to need some preparation. As I wrote before - I feel like standing at a crossroad - knowing I will go, but not feeling a pressure to be in a hurry, but planning wisely the next move.

Putting myself through random challenges over and over again has made me stronger, but to make this real change, I will need a strategy to stick to for a longer period of time. There must be the one moment I can cure my food addiction and I figured out, there will be a period of rehab time.

So, to conclude this challenge, I went off track for the last week of this challenge because as I was forced to have some slips, it was getting more and more difficult to get back on track and I felt that this wasn't going to do me good.

I only shop for lean protein, potatoes, rice and muesli still but as my father and sisters are preparing for their pastry chef exams, there's temptation everywhere and they need a gusto from time to time. I cannot willpower through this (and do I even want?) without being well prepared.

It seems that I will have to refine several things yet and pay attention to those little things: tking into account that I will no longer be able to stuff my face with food when I'm feeling weak, depressed or stressed - that my body will feel to want to get more food in and I will not be as "strong" as I'm now, that my husband will have to know exactly what I'm doing etc.

Source: Pinterest.com

For travel, I will have to be prepared too: I will have to know exactly what I need, so I can say to my friends what I eat and what I don't whithout offending them. And I will have to be clear with all of this and don't let myself get distracted by the opinions of others and new fancy internet diets.

Do you think it's okay if I wait for all of this for four weeks until the pastry exams have passed? 

Well, I do think it's okay. 

But I will do another challenge anyway - a last one, that isn't 100% focused on my fitness goals, but more on preparing next challenge and building up mindfulness while eating and a clear daily structure that will help me afterwards.

Of course, I'm not looking into the weeks for binging but I will continue buying healthy foods and eat them! I just won't be very restrictive.

So, that's my word for today - last challenge really was great and hey! I finally got that hometrainer - it's a very old one stil relying on mechanics for measuring distance - some friend of mine surprised me with it - his grandpa wanted to throw it away - that's how the rewards come in. I'll post a picture soon!

Yours,

Elanor

Planning Weight loss

I'm about to get in the car to leave for Switzerland for work for the weekend - this is my challenge update post on-the-go.

For this challenge I've been surprised to have practical tools at hand how to get a grip on my eating habits although I wasn't really prepared for it. Yes, I know now that I can commit to this but that it also needs some commitment and planning of other things. I will have to set clear goals, create a step-by-step road I can stick to in a longer term than just one challenge. I'll have to set priorities in my life and set limits to where I say NO to temptation and how to still be able to join social meetings.

I'll also have to simplify my life more so I won't get triggered by stress so easily - and I will also have to start thinking of all of this like a rehab period: that will ask of me restriction, but that will transition to a normal life - my dieting won't rule all my day!!! But in the first time maybe.

So, this end of the week I wasn't perfectionist when it came to my diet. I'm happy to be able to prepare the trip to Switzerlnd and I will meet a lot of horses and people and maybe I'll also get osme feedback from outside on how to start all this process.

I thank you all for reading - sorry I couldn't write more - see you on Monday!
Yours,
Elanor

Do I need to jump to the next level?

So, this is me writing a thoughtful post today. First of all: I didn't lose any weight during last week, tough my body feels about 10 kgs lighter! I wasn't my best week concerning food - I felt terrible about it - sometimes I had so much work I forgot to eat, finding myself really starving, around other people stuffing themselves with chocolates and some special food, so I'm proud to say that I managed to stay "clean of candy" during the week, but sometimes I had to eat something that definetely wasn't on my plan because I had no other options and I already had waited for a better occasion for some hours.

I'm really glad about all the help I get in the Nerd-Fitness-Community and for every instruction, advice, experience or just good feelings shared. I don't know where I would be without you.

It's also great to be able to experience with the actual meal plan, how food addiction works and how my body is able to heal itself as long as I stick to it. But I'm also really surprised of how much a mental and psychological "battle" this is.

I won't go through all the detailed thoughts I went through during last week, but something seems to be sticking aroung. I have the feeling, that my struggle with food and health starts to reveal more and more other issues in my life - how my lifestyle affects me and who I am as a body and what I can do and what I can't.

Today I'm at a point where it feels that I need to make some overall level UP - within a year I managed to stop snacking and many more things I never thought possible. I hacked myself to a point, where I optimized my daily routine so I can get everything done. But now it seems, that if I really want to do this, I will have to commit to ... hm, how to say ... myself basically and to say "yes" to who I am and to my body and leave some things surrounding me at the same time.

As I have to leave the house now, it seems that it's not for today to write more in detail about it, but I wanted to let you know about all of this. It's an exciting adventure - thank you for being there with me!

Yours,
Elanor

Why it's been quiet for some days

I don't know why the last days I was so stressed - there was also going on a lot emotionally and everytime I sat down to write my next blogentry something blocked - as though I hadn't figured out something.

Before this week is over, I wanted to give everyone a sign, that I'm still alive. But I'm also not sure whether my inner block comes from a new wave of depression rising up - again, I'm confronted with some things I couldn't talk to anyone for a few days - now I forced myself to do it so I feel better.

Of course I've done a lot of other stuff but I also struggled with my diet because I really craved other foods and it was hard, being forced to sit and wait while my whole family stuffed themselves with chocolates and pastry and I start to crack after one hour - having to leave the room and feeling bad the rest of the day.

Any suggestions for this? It's especially difficult if we're sitting together and having to plan things throughout the week or having fun activities like board games, movie nights and - that's where I'll head now - photo slideshows of travel.

How do you manage those situations?

Thanks for reading!
Elanor

Lonely Day - What is depression? - SoaD Guitar cover - Elanor's Journey #8

Forgot to share the 2nd song!!!!!!!!!

Dealing with Depression

I hate those kind of titles on the internet - everyone seems to be affected by depression nowadays - and now I find myself writing the exact thing because I really have to explain why there hasn't been any update on Wednesday.

I never thought about depression until it struck me last year around the day it was one year my mother had died and that I had some issues in my work. I knew some people that had had depression themselves but I also had met people that liked that depression made them feel special or that were just not suitable for society so they had to be "kept alive" with drugs and even others, that wanted to make others feel guilty.

When is the point that you diagnose a depression? It seems, that other than at the moment you receive it by a doctor, mostly people have to make this diagnose themselves because they no longer understand what's going on - or a friend/family member telling you.

It reminds me of starting to loose weight: because you can't really talk about it, it's all about that one moment when you decide for yourself to start changing - even if you don't know how to start.

Some time ago I wrote an article on this blog about myself starting to face my stuff more than stuff my face and I started to speak my mind and let go of being perfect to get everything out - especially if it's just small, unimportant things, I tend to swallow them but sometimes later the inner chocolate monster arises and wants me to compensate this social stress. And if I can't talk about it with the person implied I will talk about it with a friend or write a blogpost about it.


To be fair, I announced this to my family members so they don't get shocked and for myself this is really good and I feel much lighter.

2 days later my sister walked up to me and said she wanted to do that too. She was struggling a long time already to find words and she spent some of her teen years more recluded than her personality usually was. In the last year we barely were able to speak with her because she felt blocked.

But what I had said seemed to touch her and within 3 days she let go and talked about all her fears and pressure she's making herself and her depressed feelings. It was a big opening and sometimes not easy to digest if you see someone so close to you talking about a lot of depressing things.

So, all my energy was focused around that - she had the real depression, one that you're unable to express, just a mindset that pulls you into a more and more dark environment. But it helped so much, that I had read about people having depression and that so many are open to talk about it - so please keep spamming the internet about depression!!!! I now fully understand!

I'm also glad that I can understand my sister today after my breakdown last year, because how to imagine the inability to speak? I mean, it's just opening your mouth to someone you trust! So, you have to have experienced it to understand it!



So, today I recorded my next song and I think I will upload the video tomorrow, I did my workout and yesterday we went shopping for a healthy weekend diet wise. I also finally was able to start working on the next book project with my boss which is quite exciting and FINALLY the weather starts to shift and the sun is showing up!

Let the sun shine in!!!

and to celebrate all of this, here comes my favorite song from the movie "Hair" (somewhat depression also, but very very powerful!!!!):

Finishing Mini-Fitness Challenge no. 7

It's 6 o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep again after my husband left for work at 4. As I want to get enough rest for the day, I decided doing this blogpost now so I don't get stressed about it later - at least that's what's been happening throughout the week, leading to not having written a thing on wednesday and not yet having recorded the new video.

But I'm eagerly preparing the challenge which is starting today. But I wanted to update how the last challenge ended. Here's the copy-paste that I wrote in my Nerd Fitness challenge-log:

Ok, this challenge did not work the way I intended but led me to rethink several things and I finally think that I found out more about what suits me. So, just to recap what I’ve done this 2 weeks:

• I informed myself about thyreoid issues (maybe I’ll write more about this on my blog).
• I reinstalled my computer and finally got some work done
• I reorganized my daily scedule to be able to flow again
• I prioritized my mental health also, writing about how I feel on my blog but I also made it a priority to speak up immediatly when I feel stressed about someone and resolve the issue - as small as it might be
• I focused on what really helped me: paleo diet and not fussing so much about counting calories. Result: weight gain stopped! I’m so relieved. I’m feeling more energetic again and my immune system starts to be in good shape.
• I informed myself about how strenght training works and how the exercises can be properly done taking in consideration my massive weight because I have the tendency to overdo them and making to much.
• I spent around 2-4 hours outside working almost everyday in every weather.
• I got enough sleep whenever I needed.
• I spent 5 days in listening to spiritual retreat talks (about 3 hours) while doing my daily chores

I could add to this list many things but those are real achievements and I think that I deserve my reward and to consider this challenge a real level up! I will buy myself a new agenda as I said.

And another reward I already started celebrating: you know, I want to find a way in doing more strenght training again - softer, but more often. I realized that I needed some space for this where I felt comfortable doing the movements - a batcave somewhere I like to be. So, today I started decluttering a part of my bedroom that was used for laundry and I will install myself there - level by level - with my dumbbells, my yoga mat etc.  yay!

So, I hope you read me again soon with the details for my new challenge!

Yours,

Elanor

Social Stress

Okay, it's Monday instead of Sunday and the new video isn't edited yet too (I hope you'll like it!) - I returned late yesterday because I spent some nice time watching the movie "we bought a zoo". But it's not the only reason I didn't write.

How can I avoid stress with other people? How can I learn to let go if it seems that someone just doesn't get what I want to say and I carry my emotions about that around for several days? What if I truly feel that I'm not recognized for what I am and that someone just wants to "be the good guy" and perfect in every way but isn't ready to just do what is to be done?

I really appreaciate people helping me in my daily chores but I don't like to be the "poor amd weak" person in need. If I feel that someone treats me this way I start getting irritated - I'd rather do everything on my own and be proud of what I've done afterwards then spending time with someone that belittles me.

But what gets me to LOATHE someone is, if he/she refuses to listen or to open his/her ears that reality maybe isn't the way they think and to be open to communicate. Ok then, stay in your cloud that turn just around yourself but don't freak out when I don't want to be in your company until you're back to normal.

OMG, that is some kind of rant but I'm trying today to get this thoughts out of my head in this blogpost so I will no longer have to carry them around -

Such social struggles really stress me out and I watch myself reaching over to the pizza and bread and just pushing them in my mouth to distract me. It's the feeling of being helpless because I love the person but there is no way to reach him/her and it ends in an argument in wich I usually win but where the other has to yield.

But winning is not what I want - I just want a tiny little bit of understanding.

I want to be with people that are strong, that don't belittle me but that take up challenges together with me. People that love life and are not overly perfect but instead love imperfections.

So, now, this rant is out and maybe some of you can relate. Today I realize that these moments are, what lead me to emotional eating and I learn to cope with it. I'm more and more relaxed and try to build my eating habits in a way that such a mini-binge won't destroy all my hard work.

Thank you for reading - can anyone out there realte to me?

Yours,
Elanor